Turbulent Waters
We married young, around the age of twenty, both virgins and in our first relationship. During the first 10 years of our marriage, we had 4 children (each of them wanted and welcomed). Sex was more or less okay. I always had to take the initiative; she lacked the enthusiasm I felt. We thought the reason for this was her negative sexual upbringing, which she had received from her parents. My wife had a difficult childhood and a very problematic relationship with her parents. She was emotionally heavily abused by her mother and had a father who remained in the background.
During the next 10 years of our marriage, real problems gradually started to arise. My wife became depressed, began drinking, and attempted suicide twice, so things really went downhill. Understandably, our sexual relationship became increasingly difficult and eventually stopped altogether. We couldn’t find a way forward, so we sought therapy. This helped my wife overcome various issues from her childhood, her depression ended, and our sexual relationship started to function again (to some extent). However, everything took an unexpected turn.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife fell head over heels in love with a woman and realized she was a lesbian, although this did not lead to a relationship or actual infidelity. Even though our sexual relationship had not been going well for years and we had issues in that area, we cared deeply for each other. But she had finally found an explanation for her inability to experience sexual feelings the way she felt she should have for me. After giving her feelings careful consideration, my wife told me not long after.
We still loved each other, and both wanted to remain faithful to our vows. It was certainly not easy to deal with, but we absolutely managed! For us, the guideline principles we followed were:
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No intimate emotional and/or sexual relationships outside of our marriage, so we continue to pursue a monogamous marriage.
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Complete acceptance of each other. This works both ways! I accept and respect her as she is, and she accepts and respects me as I am, without any blame. This also meant we had to find a way to keep the sexual intimacy in our relationship alive.
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And lots of communication — we talked and talked!
Stay true to promises together? Establish some first principles together!
As it turned out, finding an explanation for the problems in our sexual relationship made it easier for her to deal with sexuality. In the years before, the weight of not knowing the cause had been a heavy burden on her. Once this was removed, she was able to approach it more relaxed and without self-blame. She knew sexual intimacy was important to me, so for that reason, she also wanted to continue this aspect of our relationship.
The first few years were the most difficult. It was quite chaotic. We were dealing with emotions, not least because she was discovering all sorts of new feelings. I also insisted that her infatuation with “that woman” had to be ended and all contact needed to be cut off. My wife agreed to this and did so, but it took her many months to also let go of it emotionally. She kept photos of the woman on her laptop, regularly played certain pop songs that reminded her of her, and so on. It hurt me every time I discovered these things, and after a while, I became angry about it. I began to seriously doubt whether we could continue our marriage this way. There’s no switch to turn off feelings, but eventually, she realized that she really needed to end it emotionally/internally; otherwise, it would mean the end of our marriage, which I made very clear! I think it's important to set boundaries and stick to them. I was understanding and empathetic, but I was also aware of what I wanted and felt. I was less confused by emotions than she was, and by being more rational, I had the responsibility to set boundaries and take the lead.
That said, it was also very emotional for me, so it’s not an easy task to make wise choices! There needs to be a captain on the ship, not a violent dictator, but someone who is compassionate and takes the lead in difficult waters while trying to choose as wisely as possible. I tried to gather as much information on this topic as possible. In 2005, there was little information available; objective information is still very scarce. I discussed all these things with my wife. After all, we are on this journey together (even though we are not sure where it will end). It felt like a journey into the unknown, hoping for the best.
Chaotic and painstaking, making choices is no easy task.
Anyway... there was a lot of turmoil, but it also brought us closer together. We had to do that if we wanted it to succeed, and we both genuinely wanted to; it was our sincere and thoughtful choice. Meeting each other’s needs and challenges with love. Gradually, things calmed down, and it seemed we were on a sustainable path. Emotional intimacy grew, and in many areas, we had a very good relationship. However, there was always an awareness of a kind of shortcoming that remained for both of us.
My wife couldn't acknowledge some of her inner feelings and desires, even though she had come to terms with that fact; that is, she mostly felt it as "this is the consequence of my choice to stay together, and this is what I want, so I just have to deal with that consequence." Nonetheless, it was still a loss accompanied by a kind of grieving process.
I didn't feel (truly) desired as a (physical) man. It felt like an unspoken rejection that stood between us, even though this was never my wife's intention. I was also frustrated that my sexual expression of love didn’t truly come across as intended. The good and beautiful things I offered seemed to fall on barren ground.
So it worked to some extent, but it was still a struggle. For me, to be honest, it was actually more difficult to deal with my feelings. This made me very vulnerable. We didn’t want to hurt each other, so that held us back from being fully open to the deepest levels of our being. And even though I accepted my wife completely as she was, I resisted the consequences it had for myself.
I wanted to avoid confronting the negative emotion of rejection that I felt. Because I was the one who initiated sex, this meant that it happened less and less. That was not a good thing! We became irritated over all sorts of little things; this was not the path we should be on. We both realized that. We sank into a "just good friends" relationship, not a real marriage with all the bells and whistles that come with it. Although this ideal had been lacking in certain ways for years, it became all too clear now. Life turned into a kind of gray mist, and we just muddled through. Although everyday life functioned, there was no real happiness.
I was down about it and often struggled with God over “my fate.” Suddenly, this changed! I gained a different perspective: I realized that God loves us, regardless of the consequences for Him, as Christ has shown. I thought to myself, "That is True Love; I must do that! I will love my wife as the example He gives, no matter the consequences.” It was truly from the heart, a conviction, but not just from the mind.
That is not the same as denying or ignoring my feelings, but choosing something better. It lifted me above my feelings of rejection and disappointment. This was very important because it opened the way further. With my vulnerability gone, we could talk much more openly, being transparent with each other without hesitation. Our relationship moved to a higher level.
Our sexual relationship also improved further without that inner experience of rejection that I had felt. I wanted to initiate sex again. And although my wife still couldn’t fully give herself emotionally, she genuinely enjoyed it. We grew closer and became more intimate, both sexually and emotionally. In short, things were heading in the right direction! We worked together on a speech that my wife would give at church, where she came out as a lesbian (in a MOM, so for me, it felt a bit like a coming out as well). It was very well received. Everyone was very supportive and understanding.
By the way, we do not believe that homosexuality is a sin; however, we do place great importance on the Christian value of true love and fidelity in marriage and on seeking the well-being of the other. So this was the motivation that drove us. Our Christian faith is very important to us, not only because it has helped us through difficult times. All things are in God’s hands; whatever the outcome, everything works for good. And if everything had gone wrong, we would have had to divorce, no matter how tragic that would have been. But when both are in it with love and determination, thoughtfully considering things and trying to make it work, a lot is possible.
By that time, we were looking positively at our future together. We accepted the fact that sexuality in our relationship was relatively good, but it wouldn’t completely be what it could be (as in a heterosexual relationship). However, it was good enough for both of us to be satisfied with. Our relationship was very good, completely open with each other, accepting, and loving, which more than compensated for what was lacking. Our marriage had become very good as it was.
However... about a year later, we got the cherry on top. To our total surprise really. Beyond everything we had gone through eventually transformed my wife’s sexual feelings. She is still a lesbian, but heterosexual feelings were, in a way, added. It’s not the same as being bisexual; some might call it "sexual fluidity." We don’t know (and it doesn’t matter to us) if that’s the right term for it. For her, feelings became part of the act; it was (and is) an amazing experience. I felt her for the first time as the complete woman she is, and I was blown away! She enjoys having sex with me, both in giving and receiving. She loves me and I love her, and it sparkles between us. Much more than just lust, although that is included as well. Especially because of everything that has happened, we experience a connection on various levels with each other. So we are in a “mixed-orientation marriage,” but we have arrived at a wonderful and very satisfying relationship.
We enjoy each other in every aspect, including sexuality, and we hope to continue doing so for many years to come. We have grown as individuals, in care and love for each other, and we have grown in our faith. It was the best thing that could have happened to us. We have both changed, not just in the sexual aspect.