The Kinsey Scale
Believing that the Kinsey scale is the most important and determining factor often lies at the root of the problem. It is precisely this rigid, oversimplified way of thinking that undermines the development of a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM) into a successful and fulfilling relationship. Western culture promotes the assumption that sexual orientation is at the top of a person's identity. Everything else should be subordinate to it; otherwise, one is not "authentic."
Well, if that’s the case… good luck trying to make a MOM work. It’s really not going to happen. We believe this line of thinking is destructive and reduces people to passive followers of their feelings. Of course, we all have feelings and attractions, but we are capable of reflection and making choices—choices based on our entire identity. An identity that encompasses much more than what is described by a Kinsey scale. Sexual orientation is merely one trait among many others and certainly does not deserve the highest position as a descriptor of identity. People can certainly choose to do so, and contemporary culture certainly promotes that, but it will not result in a happy and fulfilling MOM.
In our experience, this aspect was ultimately the hardest to break through—for both my wife and me. My wife describes it as a monkey with its hand stuck in a jar holding a banana. The grip prevents the monkey from grabbing the banana, as well as pulling its hand out of the jar; it’s stuck. Letting go of the grip, denying the sexual orientation and the position it held, freed her to gain a different perspective. A perspective rooted in love for her husband, opening up an unobstructed emotional connection, which in turn formed the basis for a sexual connection.
I have often mentioned acceptance as one of the key aspects of a successful mixed-orientation marriage. But acceptance goes both ways. It’s not simply about waving the rainbow flag; it’s also about the homosexual partner fully accepting the heterosexual partner and his or her feelings. This is also what I mean by love. It’s not a privilege of heterosexuals, as if they alone should be capable of it. It’s exactly the same for the homosexual partner. Seeking the importance of the other (and together) and striving for that—that (!) should be the king on the throne of identity, for both heterosexuals and homosexuals. And what about sexual orientation? Yes, it is real and it exists, but it should be placed in the position it deserves: several steps lower than what the culture promotes.
Culture considers sexuality and orientation as most primary aspect.
The love that is truly real and desired is not just yours, but also that of your wife. Assuming she is not a malignant narcissist, her level of love for you is initially comparable to that of a good friendship. Well, if she is a lesbian, that makes sense; you are simply of the wrong gender to evoke different feelings and a different kind of love in her. For her, it is also a brick wall. Perhaps the difference is that she is not crashing into it like you are; I think she is probably somewhat aware of it but doesn’t truly understand how it feels for you on the other side of that wall.
At that stage, my wife thought our marriage was good enough; our relationship was friendly and somewhat sustainable. We maintained sexual intimacy; I had my libido, and my wife knew and accepted that I needed that aspect. But it felt mechanical for me; I had to avoid being too aware of it. Because when I was aware of it, it felt like an unspoken rejection. Total acceptance removed the negative feelings and made lovemaking more relaxed and joyful, even for my wife. However it still lacked the deeper emotional connection, but physically it was enjoyable.
The wall was still standing, the door was locked. I had no access to her inner feelings in that romantic/sexual sense, and for the same reason, she couldn’t approach me in that way. This blockage of hers was made of "My sexual preference is for women; that is who I am" and "If I let go of that, then who am I?" In other words, it is a part of her identity and high on the priority list. Perhaps not in the absolute top position of her identity (i.e., not as if she were a rainbow, Pride, or part of the LGBT community), but nonetheless, it held a higher priority than her love for me.
Of course, sexual orientation is something that is experienced every day—it’s an integral part of a person. So, it’s understandable that it’s seen and felt as part of one's identity. However, it’s quite remarkable and strange that it should take the highest priority, as there’s no inevitable necessity for that. There can be very good and healthy reasons to lower its priority. One of those reasons could be a marriage with a person of the opposite sex whom you love. Love for your spouse should certainly be the main ingredient of the marriage. Its importance could rightly be considered a very high priority. There is no law that forbids this—it’s a choice made out of free will. Just like the whole concept of marriage is built on that: marrying one person, to the exclusion of all others, is a choice and a promise made freely.
When my wife truly realized this, it marked the turning point in our marriage. When her eyes were opened to the fact that she had placed the priority of her sexual orientation above the priority of the love she should give to her husband, the walls came crashing down, and the emotional door to me opened. There’s no doubt about it—I felt the difference immediately. It was like night and day. And for her as well, because she began to experience that being intimate with me was natural and fulfilling, not just physically but emotionally too. To be clear: she’s still a lesbian, so she’s not “cured,” “turned straight,” or anything like that. She hasn’t even become bisexual. The best way to describe it is that she prioritized me (her husband, her love) over her sexual orientation. This comes from the heart, from the will, and from the conviction that it is the most true and right thing, in line with love. Feelings follow and confirm that, as an inner proof. It doesn’t fit on the Kinsey scale, and if you had to put a label on it, it would be “Gay+1.” Although we generally don’t like labels, we think this one fits the best.
It's not so easy to describe, but I hope it's clear enough to understand what I'm trying to convey. If it is, you’ll also see that this doesn’t lead to self-denial or suffering from missing out. That is to say, no more than the usual struggles everyone faces. After all, it's true that by choosing one person, you’re inherently excluding all other options. If that's considered too difficult, no one should get married. The joy of loving and being loved by that special person in life should be more than enough compensation. So, we don't feel guilty for being that person for each other. She is the right woman for me, and I am the right man for her.
Perhaps I should explain the "monkey with the banana in the jar" analogy a bit more. What my wife means by that comparison is that placing her sexual orientation high on the list of priorities was a trap for her. She didn’t want to lower the priority of her sexual preference (the banana) because she was afraid that doing so would leave her feeling lost, unsure of who she was. The misconception was that she subconsciously tied it to a defining importance for her identity—essentially, as a core part of who she is. However, it was precisely this that prevented her from emotionally opening up to me. She couldn’t open that door as long as she considered her sexual preference to be the most important aspect of her being. So, she was stuck. The only way out was to release her grip on the banana, allowing her to pull her hand from the jar and move freely. Only then could she emotionally and sexually move toward me.
What happened to the banana? Well, she has no problem being attracted to women. She has absolutely no issue living with that realization. It’s just one part (among others) of her identity; it’s part of who she is and how she experiences the world around her. She is open about it if someone were to ask; she’s not in the closet. In fact, it’s not really different from how I, as a heterosexual man, relate to myself and to life.
Regarding how contemporary culture deals with sexual orientation, it’s not hard to see that our culture considers sexuality and sexual orientation as the most primary aspects of existence. Especially when it comes to homosexuality, this message is particularly loud and clear. I don’t think anyone can avoid being influenced by this; it seeps into the thoughts and consciousness of everyone. I have no issue with people who are in relationships with someone of the same sex, but the narrative from the culture is harmful to those in mixed-orientation marriages.
It’s actually the complete opposite of what we needed to work toward. We needed to free ourselves from the idea that sexual orientation is the highest priority of identity; we had to let go of the notion that gay individuals can only be happy in a same-sex relationship. Being authentic is not the same as living out a sexual preference; one can be completely authentic and true to oneself in many other ways. In our opinion, the narrative emerging from Western culture is essentially a weed that suffocates mixed-orientation marriages.
One has to dare to think independently and really authentically to get rid of it, and that is not so easy. Many follow pre-cooked scenarios that sound all around us in the media, that is much easier, and probably feels safe in the crowd.
