Give and Take Time that is Needed
A brief time summary of our history in the first few years after my wife discovered/discovered she was a lesbian.
The first two or three months were confusing. I was trying to understand what it meant for her to call herself a lesbian. I was also trying to make sense of what this meant for the 20 years of marriage before that. (Was it real love? Did she know all along?) What goes through her mind when she looks at women, and what about when she looks at me? And so on, and so on. It’s like entering a world with different laws of nature—everything I thought was certain had become a question mark. This is very unsettling and threatening. The whole experience was terrible and stressful. She had also fallen in love with a woman, and although she no longer saw her, those feelings were still present.
The next six months, that is to say, more or less, and as I remember it… it was quite a while ago, became less chaotic for me. Life was no longer spiraling out of control. I began to understand it a bit better and gave it a place in my thinking. I reflected more on the situation and tried to figure out how to deal with it. Note: from the beginning, I made it clear that we would remain monogamous and would not choose a sexless marriage. This was my intuitive response, but it was very important. It set the foundation from which we could work. It gave me at least some certainty in this crazy world and the minimum trust in our relationship that I needed.
But I noticed that my wife was still holding on to her "feelings of infatuation." I became increasingly hurt and angry when I discovered this, over and over again. I couldn't understand why she did this when she knew how painful it was for me. It gave the impression that I was actually unimportant in her true feelings, as if deep down she wanted something different than me; I was merely something "to be dealt with in the situation," not what she truly wanted. It built up to a point where I refused to continue like this. This was not a situation that could last for years. Against everything I wanted, I started to consider whether divorce should indeed become the solution. We needed help. It was okay that she was a lesbian, but something needed to be done to make our mixed-orientation marriage work. Just muddling through until the ship runs aground obviously doesn’t work. She had to change the way she dealt with her feelings.
The next twelve months, we went into "couples therapy." This was focused on learning to talk about feelings and emotions and rebuilding trust. It was very helpful. At first, it was difficult, but eventually (after about three months), we noticed how much good it was doing; our communication improved. I am a rational type of person, accustomed to managing my emotions by rationalizing them and gaining self-control that way. But everything that had happened during those years turned out to be more than I could handle in that way. My "rationality system" fell short in light of the situation. Trying to think, rationalize, and understand can be useful, but there is a limit to it. Sexuality often transcends that. Rational thinking no longer provides the right usable answers. During therapy, I learned to better recognize and cope with my feelings and emotions.
In addition to couples therapy, we visited another therapist who had experience with homosexuality (and MOMs). Initially, my wife and I went together, and later, my wife attended individually. This was very helpful. It assisted my wife in coming to terms with her having lesbian feelings while being in a straight marrriage. Not "you are lesbian," but "you have lesbian feelings." This may seem like a trivial rephrasing, but it made a significant difference! My wife no longer viewed her lesbian feelings as the all-defining principle of who she is, but rather as one of many components that make her who she is. This insight gave her a degree of control over her feelings, something that allowed her to have a say in her own identity, and it meant she was not at the mercy of something she had to follow blindly.
A position to choose independently. She is in charge of herself.
She had the power to choose from all the other aspects of her life: her love for me, our family, her values, and many other things. And yes, one of those aspects includes her lesbian feelings. But she (as a person) is in charge of herself and makes the decisions.
This marked the important difference, as she realized that she therefore had the opportunity to make her own life choices. Also note that this attitude goes against cultural pressure and the majority of the information you receive through media or the internet. People are expected to follow their sexual feelings, to be enslaved by them without questioning. If someone opposes that view, they are labeled as homophobic, oppressive, or even unethical. They urge people to submit to their feelings in order to become "free," while in reality, they are being enslaved by them.
For me, the thoughtful choices my wife made also brought peace of mind. I understood my wife's situation and feelings, accepted them, but also the foundations on which her decisions for our life together were based. This was not a random approach, where feelings could turn against me at any moment; but rather it was based on deliberate choices.
Anyway, this is the timeline of our first two years after her discovery of lesbian feelings. The first part was definitely the hardest. In hindsight, we should have sought help (therapy) earlier; this would likely have limited and shortened the problems to some extent. It is very important to find a way to address homosexuality in a genuine and constructive manner. So, not ignoring it or letting it simmer, but really dealing with it. Confronting the situation you’re in, discussing it, and making choices. And finding the right kind of help! Help that focuses on gaining control of the situation and laying a foundation for progress. In my opinion, joining groups that are also struggling won’t help. It may be nice to share suffering, but it doesn’t change anything or solve problems. Selecting the right therapist is also crucial. Initially, we had someone who suggested that each of us (or together) should seek girlfriends and even proposed that this could be the only possible solution. Such counseling is not very helpful for maintaining a marriage...
With these two years, not everything in our relationship was really good yet. We had been put on the right track, so to speak, but had not yet arrived at the destination. The knowledge we had still needed to transform into inner conviction.
The fear and doubt I was experiencing, while theoretically no longer justified, still troubled me for a long time. It was still a journey for me to rise above that. I can imagine this is a personal issue for everyone. However, I do believe that a choice, a strong conscious decision, almost always lies at the foundation of change.
For my wife, things were also not resolved after those two years. She recognized that sexual preference is something you have, not something you are, but deep down, it remained complex for her, which influenced her feelings and approach to intimacy. She, too, needed to make a conscious choice that transcended everything else, rooted in a genuine conviction that the right decision had been made. You either choose your marriage and therefore your partner, or you don’t... This is undoubtedly a black-and-white choice, but that decision must be made deeply and thoughtfully.
It's challenging to convey how someone reaches that point. However, once you are there and make such a resolute choice of will, you know it very clearly yourself. And then feelings align and affirm, even if they may temporarily resist at first. Feelings acts as a kind of nonspecific summary of what's going on inside you, a graduated measure. Half-hearted choices with perhaps unconscious “ifs and buts” do not convince the feeling. This measure can't be fooled.
A person is complex, and reality can sometimes be confusing. It takes time and experience before things become clear. Emotional patterns can also linger for a long time, such as certain irrational fears or doubts that suddenly resurface. After all, the entire situation you found yourself in demanded a lot and caused stress. A good therapist can be helpful if you struggle to recognize and resolve these issues on your own.